as they have, so shall we

Sunday Snapshot

2011-06-26T15:32:00.000-04:00

Happy Father's Day

2011-06-19T12:32:00.000-04:00

• this will be the first of a weekly photo upload, you can view the world as I do.

'would your friends say you are...'

2011-06-18T22:01:00.000-04:00

I've done a lot of interviewing lately; filling out applications, putting on my best face, answering my favorite question: 'tell me about a time when...'

Throughout out the process I've come across, countless times, the question: ‘Would your friends say you are...’

Would they say you're outgoing ? Would they say you're a leader, a self-starter, dependable...

Dependable, huh?

“Of course I am,’ I answer. I mean who is more dependable than me. I’m there for everyone when they need me, I mean goodness I take the weight of the world on my shoulders; I am a problem fixer –– I’m dependable...

What can I say, human nature dictates that we think the best of ourselves.

But, every once in a while, we stumble upon an instance where we are forced to take a retrospective look at the ‘you’ we really are.

Today, it was brought to my attention, that I may not always be the most dependable person, more specifically I don’t really reflect the follow-through that I have always thought to be one of my better traits.

Freudian projection ? — True, I can’t stand people who are unreliable, that never have any follow-through, but is that because subconsciously I hate that trait in myself.

Looking back at examples, there are many times where I have said, flippantly, that I would do something – help out, hang out, meet up – only to find that when the time comes I have either forgotten completely my commitments, or have persuaded myself to bail out.

I’ll tell you what, discovering personal flaws can hurt.

In the end, we are left with only two options: pretend those flaws don’t exist, cursing the informing party, ‘What the hell do they know.’; or, we chose to learn from these realizations, affect some positive change in our lives.

In this case, I’ll choose the latter.

My book shelves are lined with self-help books, ‘Best You Ever,’ ‘Living Life As A Thank-You,’ and countless others.

With change on my mind, two titles stood out tonight.

I remembered a chapter in, Rita Emmett’s ‘The Procrastinator’s Handbook’, dealing with the power of setting limits.

I flipped to that section, finding an underlined passage, my favorite in the chapter:

‘If you’re an I-Wanna-Do-It-All procrastinator, you love life, and love to live it to the fullest. Every idea that comes up is appealing. Every cause seems worthy. Every activity sounds great. Every person needs you. So you say yes to everything, then juggle too many commitments...and procrastinate.’

The chapter could have been a biographical work, written specifically about me.

I find myself too often jumping to say yes, bending over backwards to say sure; then when life continues and the deadline looms, I’ve found some weasly way to back out.

All along, the solutions are simple: just set limits, admitting when life is too much: ‘I’d love to, but I won’t this time because...’; Only agree to realistic commitments — I’ll bring it over tomorrow, only means anything when you really ‘bring it tomorrow.’; respect the time and expectations of others, as if the commitments were made to you.

So at this point in the evening, my head is whirling and I’m thinking just how I can turn this around. I decide I’m going to commit to, well, making commitments.

So I asses the situation: how bad is the damage, can I recover ?

M.J. Ryan’s ‘This Year I Will’ catches my eye:

‘But before I jump into action, I’ve got to do something to renew my trust in myself. Otherwise my emotional brain is going to continue to sabotage my efforts with feelings of hopelessness. I made a commitment to myself I have not kept. If I did that to anyone else, I would apologize. Why shouldn’t I treat myself with equal respect?’

I can’t change what I’ve done (and if that includes in any way having shafted you, I’m sorry), but I can change what I do.

So decidedly, (I will try) I guarantee, I will be more dependable, I will be more reliable, dammit I will restore your trust.

Because although I’ve blown-off my fair share, in the end the one who’s really disappointed is myself.

You can count on me like one, two, three, I’ll be there and I know when I need it, I can count on you like four, three, two, and you'll be there 'cause that's what friends are supposed to do, oh yeah, ooh, ooh - Bruno Mars

Time spent worrying, more efficient spent 'doing'

2011-06-17T09:35:00.000-04:00

I’m not sure how many times we must learn a life lesson before it actually sinks in.

Countless times. you’ve heard ‘everything happens for a reason’; ‘it will work itself out’; ‘just have faith and patience;’, yet we still sit huddled in our worry — paralyzed by depression and fear.

Having been educated in subjects which thrive on analytical skills, I’ve learned worst-case scenario preparedness and it has become second nature and a part of my being.

The minute something happens my mind goes to the worst case scenario. I worry: ‘what if I can’t find a job,’ ‘what if I lose my house,’ what if we can’t eat.’

I sit and ponder my options for each scenario; the computer sits idle. I get lost in my mind, fear of failure; job applications sit blank on the desk.

I exhaust my mind, body, and tenacity; phone calls remain unmade.

Suddenly the clock strikes the deadline, and reality sets in: ‘What have I been doing?,’ ‘Why didn’t I start this weeks ago,’ ‘Where has my mind been.’

At thirty years old, I shouldn’t need someone to tell me ‘God helps those, that help themselves.’; I shouldn’t expect someone to tell me to spend less time worrying about the outcome and more time planning the implementation.

It wasn’t so hard to learn 4 + 4 = 8, why isn’t the simplicity of a worry free existence as easy a lesson.

I hope my fellow worrywarts learn from my mistakes, stop crying and do something about your situation.

Sure you may hit obstacles, sure it might not work out as you intended; Hell if it did, life would be boring.

But, as I’ve learned (once again) the energy exhausted anticipating the worst, is better utilized exercising your best.

Simply put: ‘Don’t worry, You’ve got this’

Get up, Stand up. Don’t give up the fight - Bob Marley

Getting back to basics

2011-05-13T02:15:00.000-04:00

In the age of social media our thinking has been confined by the number of characters we can tweet, or by the immediacy of our status updates, giving our contacts insight into what is is that we are doing at this exact moment.

Have we lost the ability to compose more than a simple thought? Are we able to still expound on the intricacies of life?

I have decided to add some daily introspection back into my life.

Maybe some will follow my thoughts, enjoy my ramblings.

In any case, I’m hoping to record my life in much more than 144 characters.

"F@*$ YOU CANCER, YOU HAVE NO POWER HERE.'

2010-08-11T21:41:00.000-04:00

I, like you, have said at one point or another 'I hate (fill in the blank).' In retrospect I'm not sure I ever really meant it.

But tonight, at this exact moment I am certain, as abusive as it is to allow such a negative emotion into my life, I am screaming on the inside I HATE CANCER!

It's destroyed / destroying my life.

I've watched a vibrant child fade slowly away; a loving grandmother finally give in; my powerful-strong mother, cry helplessly in my arms.

Now I watch my grandmother ripped of her golden years, those that should be spent care-freely enjoying her grand-children, laughing and living life, instead 9 hours are spent testing, and receiving blood transfusions, in a cold emotionless hospital room.

And, when all of the days treatments are done, there is no good-job, hang in there slugger; instead your faced with a good luck and we hope you feel better.

You can sure bet that the ride home hasn't changed: the stores are all open, city blocks lined with smiling faces; It's a contradiction my mind will never wrap itself around.

As hard as it is to allow hate to exist in my heart, I will never stop hating this nasty, evil disease. As the hatred grows it will make me stand taller and reach further and do everything in my power so that someday instead of I Hate Cancer, I will be screaming 'F@*$ YOU CANCER, YOU HAVE NO POWER HERE.'

READ THIS! Excerpt from Notes Left Behind

2009-12-01T21:17:00.000-05:00

I was jealous. I was jealous of their joy, jealous of their ignorance, jealous of their rushing. I wanted to be the one more concerned about getting to the next store rather than struggling to lock away every memory of a conceivably limited future.

But then, I realized that my family and I were the ones who truly appreciated the season and all that it meant. You see, Elena’s illness has taught us to squeeze the very last sunlight out of every day and to see our children as more than just a Christmas list.

--- excerpt from Notes Left Behind, Brooke & Keith Desserich

http://www.notesleftbehind.com/

The best message ever left, courtesy google voice translator.

2009-11-03T02:04:00.000-05:00

Hey Eric, This is Catherine and I had coupon that. Actually, we don't know if you got the message and I can response. I was thinking maybe you're still kleanaroo furniture she. Anyway, we're still on for Wednesday. I think you keep on it before. Box Office something like that. I'm happy to get it came up if you wanted to go. He said new though the garbage. He went to the door. Try the trick or treat my mama cass and on this one, so give me you do baby and whoever else you're going to bring with you. Alright give me a call. Let me know here in a one way or the other. I'll talk to you then. Bye.

I hate music snobs!

2009-03-19T00:43:00.000-04:00

Ok I don't hate them, honestly I just don't understand.

I love every aspect of music: the lyricism, the artistry, the emotion.

Growing up, my music taste changed as often as my scene and I guess I have always leaned a bit towards the pop spectrum. - But come on, music is art.

Open my itunes library ( I really almost said CD case) and you'll find a wide variety of musical genre, technique and range from crap to classics.

Like most, I have my favorite artists and bands, I've even got my affinity for certain genres.

I can honestly say there really isn't much music I hate.

What I do hate is when musical taste, becomes one of the forbidden topics: "never talk, religion, politics, or music at the dinner table"

Well, dammit I love Christ, I'm a right-wing socialist, and I LOVE MUSIC.

The most loyal members of the "our music is better than yours" club come from the arena of indie rock and hardcore punk.

As if having Red Jumpsuit in my music library instantly disqualifies me from also partaking of the likes of Rancid or Social Distortion.

I know my love of estrogen-rock ( Sarah Mac, marry me please) doesn't always work on the mix-taped with the latest from Senses Fail, but my iPod is mine so stay the hell out.

I won't apologize for having Bette Midler, Marilyn Manson; I won't make excuses for why I bump the Wicked soundtrack with my windows down and my spirits up; I love music.

I guess I will always sit on the outskirts of cool.

I'll never get my official membership to the Spin editorial staff, I can't say I have half the credentials of a Rolling Stone janitor, but hell if you need a CD burned let me know!

Goodbye Circut City

2009-03-10T23:06:00.000-04:00

Scary times, businesses are closing.

Glad I had the opportunity to get into the store before the doors locked on Sunday.

Picked up two pretty good deals:

Nikon 55-200mm f4-5.6G ED AF-S DX Nikkor Zoom Lens (Black) by Nikon - I paid $100

Panasonic Lumix DMC-TZ5K 9MP Digital Camera with 10x Wide Angle - I paid $165

I hate to prosper from the failure of a regular and familiar name within the electronics industry, but heck someone had to.

Thanks for the good times, and better still those good deals!

Opening Monologue (enter stage left)

2009-03-09T08:20:00.000-04:00

Me: So yeah, like... I'm back. (stands in awkward silence)

How have you been...Oh, that's good to hear.

Yeah I was away a while. How long has it been? Wow, over two years, REALLY?

Seems I had some finding myself to do.

No really, don't laugh. I know it sounds cliché but one really can find them-self.

It's often not really where you expected, hell for that matter most times it's not somewhere you'd readily admit.

But I did, I found myself: eating way too much (@ 250 pounds); sleeping way too much (missed some pretty important things); not caring or paying attention to my career (lost a good job in the process); falling out of touch with friends (some who's names I can't even recall.)

I found a dark place: a lot of hate, a lot of grief, a lot of pain—very little worth fighting for.

I found myself content in going through the motions, sometimes not even putting in that much effort.

Living with my father, missing my mother, hating my life and not caring to change any of the above.

Somewhere in there (it is all really a blur) I hit a wall–hit rock bottom–choose your metaphor, I found myself really jacked up and needing an out.

Sounds all very romantic, huh ?

I found God on the corner of 1st and Amistad, Where the West was all but won. All alone, smoking his last cigarette. I said, "Where've you been?" He said, "Ask anything." - The Fray

Me: Pretty scary actually. I did manage to make it through; Weird empty feeling though, know what I mean ?

I started that MBA program, now I'm pretty close to finishing. It’s funny because the classes—annoying, inconvenient, exhausting– offered enough of a distraction to never really buy-in to how bad things really were.

The lost-job thing, kinda embarrassing but you know, it is what it is—chalk it up to life experience.

Turns out I wasn't unemployed that long; Found a new job pretty quickly.

It pays pretty well and I actually met some folks who have played a big part in helping bring me 'round. During the first couple days of training, I met this beautiful young lady who despite circumstance, seemed to perpetuate this positivity.

I'm not even sure she understands the affect she has had on me. It's funny how you can change a person by just how you present yourself — One of the many lessons I've learned along the way.

Don't breathe too deep. Don't think all day. Dive into work. Drive the other way. That drip of hurt. That pint of shame. Goes away. Just play the game....

Me: Well anyway, as I am making this gradual climb towards a return to the ranks of the living another bombshell rocks the very fragile ground I'm walking on.

When my best friends mother dies it's all way too surreal.

Since my mother passed I'd been to a couple funerals. I mean I'd seen some folks off, but it really was way too soon to lose another mother.

She'd been a huge part of my life, welcomed me into her fold, loved me unconditionally. It all seemed way to unfair.

The biggest injustice of all though, was how unprepared I was to offer the support and validation that my friend would need. I'd just begun to understand how the death of my mother had placed me in such a disastrous place, what in the world could I offer her.

I had no words of wisdom, I had no magic fix. "just try not to kill yourself" is not the most productive advice one can give.

I sought hard to find something—something to give—something that said “I know, I feel, I'm sorry, I'm here." And, in the end I realized all I needed, all I had to do, was say those things.

You see up to that point, I'd been working on finding that thing that used to fuel me, that thing that lit me on fire, that thing that gave me hope and incensed my passion.

What was I missing, what had I lost, what did I want – Love.

Not any old love, but matter-of-factly, God's pure Love, God’s perfect Love.

Love that allows you to touch another human being, comfort their pain, share in their delight.

Love that defines humans, and proves without a doubt the absolute existence of something much higher, much mightier, much more beautiful than any earthly thing.

An unconditional Love that transcends suffering, that outlasts injustice, that destroys hopelessness.

Me: Wow, I know right! But, that is just what I wanted.

I started hungering for that Love, I started actively trying to express that Love. I aimed to fill every crack and crevice in my disheveled life with God's Love.

What I began to see was change all around me. I started observing how others reacted to situations, how they found solace in Love, how they perpetuated Love. (pause for effect)

And so, my friend began her coping process. She has really taught me the resilience of the human spirit.

I've learned how simple human interaction (like the bond between father and daughter) can break through despair. How the welcoming of a new baby, the beauty of untainted joy, how that innocent childish giggle can banish loneliness.

I've learned that God's Love conquers all.

I've never been a fan of organized religion, Catholicism may be to blame, but I don't want to point fingers.

What I know though, was that I needed to find a place where God's Love was present—where it was doing things, where it was making changes.

I was blessed with a growing spiritual relationship with a very close friend, we started going to church. Mostly Christian churches, where God's Love was present in song and worship; in message and fellowship.

Through Christ, friendship, family and Love I've challenged myself on a path of rehabilitation.

It's definitely been a road to recovery. I'm not sure what I've been recovering from, whatever the ailment it seems I've got my hearing back, my sights kind of improved as well.

I can see again the joy in life, I can hear the happiness in conversation, I can feel the Love all around me.

...What was it about that night, Connection - In an isolating age. For once the shadows gave way to light. For once I didn't disengage! - What You Own, RENT

Me: So yeah... I'm back.

It has been a while and I'm really sorry I haven't kept in touch. Ya know, that is something I am working on. I think I'll even send Christmas cards this year; that whole perpetuating God's Love thing.

I'm feeling pretty good too!

I've started back to the gym. Yea, really, I've already lost twenty pounds.

I do promise to write more, and definitely photograph more.

I will not lose one more moment of life, or misplace one more fragment of the wonderful memories.

Oh don't get me wrong, it's all definitely still a work in progress; kinda like a coloring book page, just a bit outside of the lines.

But you know what, the colors sure do seem a lot brighter these days!

Ya know it is good to be back!

It's amazing where I'm standing. There's a lot that we can give. This is ours just for a moment. There's a lot that we can give. - Life Is Beautiful, Vega 4

My new car

2007-01-28T19:10:00.000-05:00

Of course, this is not an actual picture of my car, she has snow all over her.

This will have to do.

"The Atlantic was born today, I'll tell you how..."

2007-01-18T05:31:00.000-05:00

Another one of those nights; Sleepless and sobering.

The clouds above opened up and let it out - Death Cab for Cutie

A lot has happened and yet it still all seems a standstill.

Most recent update:

I am enrolled full-time again as a student, working towards an Associates in Business Management (hoping to complete this program in three semesters.

Hoping to start full-time in the Fall for my M.B.A.

Tuesday on my way to work I was hit on the drivers side by a peppy young girl in a hurry to get to work.

So as it stands I am praying that the financial aid comes through before classes begin on the 29th or no books for me and I am waiting for the adjuster to take a look at my car and tell me if it is fixable or not.

And, at this very moment I am waiting for sleep to overtake me and drift me softly into never-never land.

I miss An-e with all of my being. I feel like I need to see her, to hold her and we can just settle into our misery in that nice healthy way we do.

Previous thoughts aside, I feel like I am completely detached.

Marc's birthday has come and gone, and a quick text message was the only correspondence I had.

We haven't even met for our after Christmas soirée like we normally do.

The world is different, very different and nothing I can do or wish will correct it or make it the same again.

I've spent the last hour looking through my friends list on MySpace, just looking through the list of people that have come and gone and yet I make no effort to connect.

I wonder where they are, what they are feeling. Then I click off the page.

It's been five months since my mother died, and I feel like I am traveling super fast and getting nowhere.

It's a strange feeling, at this point I feel settled (good job, future plans, a 401k for goodness sake) but yet I feel like it is all too very volatile.

At any given moment it could all be gone.

I feel kinda like I am drifting through, going through the motions if you'll entertain another cliché.

Not sure where (or how) to find that feeling of security I once knew (or at least pretended to.)

I am 220+ pounds and still eating, tired but not sleeping, and sad but not crying.

It's unhealthy and yet, no quick solution can be found. There is no easy fix.

Sometimes I think the cycle never ends, we slide from top to bottom, we turn, climb again. And it's seems by the time that I have figured what it's worth the squeaking of our skin has gotten worse. - Death Cab for Cutie

The best I can do is grin and bear it; Mandy and I share the same opinion, "buck up and deal with it, it's life."

And so I bite down, the pillow drowns out my groans.

Sleep comes, but in no comforting form.

And tomorrow brings light to another set of obstacles.

"This night we pray, our lives will show..."

2006-12-24T03:30:00.000-05:00

Well it's here; hell it's almost past.

Seems to be going (well)—it seems to be going.

It's coming on christmas they're cutting down trees, they're putting up reindeer singing songs of joy and peace...

We baked so many cookies—dozens: Peanut butter, chocolate chip, thumbprints, sugar, and even buckeyes.

The best part was the fun we had doing it.

Josie, Doug, Karen, Sandy, Nermione, Heather, even my Dad helped.

As the days get closer and closer it becomes more real, almost unbearable.

Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on. - Sarah Mclachlan

Christmas was my mom's favorite holiday.

It's almost incomprehensible how many Christmas decorations she has packed into those boxes.

My Dad put off decorating for some time, though once he got started he fell right into the groove of things.

He says its to keep himself busy so he doesn't spend so much time thinking,

Still it was pretty sketchy whether or not we would have a tree this year or not; Here we are 3:00 a.m. Christmas Eve morning and we are all set: tree, lights, cookies, gifts.

Though we can't overlook the most blatantly missing element.

I've compiled a list of Christmas songs with the ability to drop you into the darkest, deepest pits of despair.

Sometimes its rock-bottom you have to hit before you can build yourself up again; Haven't had a good cry for sometime.

Momma made Christmas good at our house, though most years she just did without... - NewSong

So the new job is going well. I like the staff they are fun to work with and the atmosphere is professional (enough.)

My last day at the old (new) job is this week. I'll miss the folks there, they were nice enough.

I hate to have met so many new people and left so abruptly but I have to do what is best for me in the long run.

On that same note, I have been toying with the idea of going back to school in the fall, perhaps pursue my MBA.

I've looked at a couple different schools and with the hours I am working now it seems like a realistic goal !

Well, I guess I had better get to bed, Nermione has my alarm set for 6:45 a.m. so she can go to work (man am I glad I don't work retail anymore!)

Pray for my father's sanity, kiss and hold all those dear to you these next days.

Remember love is all we have. Be joyous and prayerful.

On this night, on this night, on this very Christmas night - Trans Siberian

Another sleepless night

2006-11-28T02:13:00.000-05:00

I'm watching the clock tick by again.

I am starving but not really, quietly fighting the urge to go and stuff my face.

Instead I snack on the hidden chocolate on the nightstand.

Pressed up against the glass, I found myself wanting sympathy. But to be consumed again, Oh I know would be the death of me. - Sarah McLachlan

I made it to the cemetery today. Not quite sure how long it has actually been. Have been pretty caught up in life lately.

Mandy suggested it was a bit of depression tinged with a hint of denial. Defense mechanisms, both, but unwanted personality states non-the-less.

Even now, as I try to describe the feeling, its difficult to express.

Feels like running a race, but accomplishing no distance; caught up in so much but nothing has ever quite happened.

And then slowly the moments creep in where you stop yourself and try to establish a timeline; some real means—a quantitative way—to show what, when and why things have happened.

The only way I can justify my mother's absence is to relive her sickness; At least the illness follows a logical order.

In the matter of only seconds I have relived four months of the most painful and exhaustive times I ever faced.

Moments later I've shelved the feelings again to face the fog, the blur—move on.

84,000 different delusions, take a ride in the car. 84,000 different delusions, Met me down at the bar. - Shawn Colvin

Orientation for the new (new) job went well, maybe soon to be aka: the career.

Seems like a place I can feel comfortable, take my coat off and stay awhile.

Initial impression is of a culture of advancement, matched with the integrity and compassion I crave so dearly.

The facilitator teared up (sincere emotion, even) when speaking about the opportunity for community outreach within the organization.

Ooh Child, things will get brighter...

Wish me luck, tomorrow I will work the new (new) job 8:30 - 4:30 and close the old (new) job 5:30 -10:30.

Long day !

Oh, and I've finally finished a book. It seems like I have been reading the same novels for longer than I can remember.

Funny how faced with nothing but time, its so hard to find time to do things we love the most.

While counting sheep never seems to work, its at least time to try.

Some day, we'll put it together and get it all done. - Five Stair Steps

Having a hard time sleeping

2006-11-23T03:32:00.000-05:00

So this is one of the big ones —Thanksgiving.

It just doesn't feel the same with out my mother here, like some strange sort of insult.

Time just continues on, no consideration for what's happened, no time to stand idly by.

Its very easy to be destroyed by time's momentum, move along boy if you know what's good for you.

The last three months really just seem like a blur, with small events serving as time-points along the way.

Oftentimes I find myself reviewing them as a way to measure the time that has passed; I left GNC in October, then there was the pumpkin farm, fade into blur.

Please remember me, happily, by the rosebush laughing, with bruises on my chin. The time when we counted every black car passing your house, beneath the hill and up until someone caught us in the kitchen with maps, a mountain range, a piggy bank, a vision too removed to mention. - Iron & Wine

In the interim I have been trying to keep myself busy:

Finally the library is complete (shelved and catalogued) and can be found @ PhotoBook Library (dead link), feel free also to check out Library Wish List (dead link) for any possible gift ideas (wink wink.)

Work in the retail business is same as usual, new place, new people, same stuff. I have however taken the steps to procure a position outside of retail, working for a fine financial institution. I start my training next week, wish me luck. Having only been in the new position for a little over a month and entering into the holiday season I have offered to stay on, possibly till the end of the holidays, and work both locations, so any well wishes may be directed towards maintaining super-human energy.

Dad decided to do Thanksgiving dinner at home, and providing whatever support I can to help him maintain his sanity, I offered to help cook. Earlier this evening I made my first Pumpkin Pie Cheesecake with Gingersnap Crust. Mom would be so proud! Nermione and her Mom will join us for dinner. Good folks shouldn't be alone on holidays. We all gotta stick together.

Gotta find a new big project, any suggestion will be considered accordingly. Suggestions freely accepted.
 

Oh, An-e if you’re reading, I've got a small surprise for you (no I can't make it to A-town) but I might just send you a little something soon.

And my final Thanksgiving toast: If at all possible, take a moment, hell take quite a few to tell some folks just how thankful you are to share this life with them— I'll be making the extra effort.

To Happy Thanksgivings and Fondly Shared Memories.

fun, friends, games and food

2006-11-05T03:06:00.000-05:00

Tonight was a pleasant evening.

Sarah and Brian joined Josie, Doug, Nermione and I for a fun filled night of 90s Edition Trivial Pursuit, Simpsons version of the old classic Clue and some good chow at the ole' Eat n' Park.

Feels good to hang out with good friends and just relax and enjoy their company.

Lately, with the job switch, I have been feeling pretty caught up in life.

Even with the words tattooed on my flesh (mostly always visible) it still remains hard to remind myself just to let go and live life to the fullest.

Evenings like these make it all seem worth while.

What else can I say, all in all a pretty good day: good sleep, bubble bath, got a new book and some candles, had a fun night with friends and still have two more days to kill.

A nice well-deserved mini vacation.

When the caffeine high wears off...

2006-09-28T03:12:00.000-04:00

... it leaves you both exhausted and raw.

Another exciting night at the T lounge, an interesting social experiment both surreal and surprisingly comfortable.

The only place in Pittsburgh, as far as I know, that offers the fantastic Bare-oké.

While crooners pour out their hearts and souls singing sounds of the decades, topless dancers entertain with arial feats reminiscent of Circué performers; An interesting, cathartic night of uninhibited expression and friendly conversation.

As I get ready for bed, mind reeling from the caffeine overload I take a moment to consider life.

"Life in slow motion, somehow it don't feel real." - David Gray

Overly exhausted and expectedly emotional, I've decided how I might like to spend my last moments:

Late autumn afternoon, sun setting in the western sky, a group of friends are sitting on the back porch of a small country house.

In the not so distant landscape, cornstalks blow weakly in the slight wind; Clouds color the sky, a mixture of blue purple and orange.

The members of the group laugh candidly and contagiously as they share stories of days long past.

Warm hot chocolate fills their cups; love, longing and memories fill their souls.

The boisterous leader, prods and pokes. His banter and vitriolic candor was long ago accepted; a means of navigating difficult emotional terrain.

With a quiet understanding, he looks deeply into his cup of cocoa.

A lifetime of memories revealed in its swirls, a slight smile forms on his lips and behind his dark brown eyes.

As the sun lowers, solemn quietness overtakes the group. After many sunsets and countless mornings, nothing's left unsaid— no harbored ill will.

"It's been quite a ride," he says, with a painfully pretended southern drawl.

As the quiet laughter fills the air, he leans back in his wooden chair. He closes his eyes and listens, someone says for the millionth time, 'that night when.'

Slowly, the gray haze fades into a dark comfortable emptiness.

While that group sits quietly on the back porch of that small country home, twilight becomes night. A familiar feeling of loss is replaced with something more incomprehensible.

Each member rises slowly and as they leave the back porch, breathing in the cool autumn air, they silently say their goodbyes.

"Yes, yes indeed, it has been quite a ride."

Oh baby, baby it's a wild world, I'll always remember you like a child girl. - Cat Stevens

How did we get here, how the hell...

2006-06-18T00:21:00.000-04:00

The last few days I've been bumming around Myspace finding the profiles of distant friends. People that have forgotten I existed or perhaps just misplaced the memories we shared.

I try to bring myself to message them, initiate conversation, catch up on ol' times.

And then I click off the page and leave the idea behind.

I don't trust that I will have the follow-through to continue a meaningful relationship.

I dread bringing up bittersweet memories. I dread working on new friendships. I am scared shitless to lose anyone else.

When I was younger, I had a problem with separation anxiety; Summer camp was horrible.

When the week or two of fun came to an end, you were forced to leave behind friends you might likely never see again.

Then you grow up and that feeling becomes a normal part of life.

People grow apart, people grow back together.

People leave and others never get really far.

It feels like a lifetime, and the you realize it has been.

In the end you realize it hasn’t been as long as you wished it should’ve be.

Baby slow down, The end is not as fun as the start. Please stay a child somewhere in your heart - Original of the Species, U2

Life in the glow of the break lights.

2006-06-06T03:30:00.000-04:00

I've been trying to pull back and look at what's going on.

You know, kinda like it's all a movie I am watching from up above.

Something about the night time (blurry lights, cool air) has always made me very reflective.

Tonight I ride behind my father and mother, we are traveling home from the Emergency room.

False alarm.

My mother's temperature is elevated (102.2 F), but no sign of infection.

You see, when the body is weakened by chemotherapy you must be very wary of a high temperature, could be a sign of infection.

One of the many pieces of information I've picked up along the way; unfortunately

I am able to detach. I pull back and watch the break lights of my dad's blazer as we round the bend.

When you try your best but you don't succeed, When you get what you want but not what you need. When you feel so tired but you can't sleep. Stuck in reverse. And the tears come streaming down your face When you lose something you can't replace When you love someone but it goes to waste could it be worse? Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones And I will try to fix you - ColdPlay

So short, make it sweet

2006-05-20T00:13:00.000-04:00

Here I am, for the second time in two months, sitting in the waiting room for the Intermediate care unit.

It's been a crazy ride these last two months.

On April 6, my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. Big slap in the face, bad taste of reality.

You go to sleep one night swearing and cursing your problems (can't find a career, hate my social status, wish my life was more exciting and less working) and you wake up the next morning and everything you have ever dreaded, your worst fears are realized; everything you have in life is flipped up side down.

One great big mind-fuck.

‘No day but today, forget regret. Make the most of all situations’

One great big lie you’ve been feeding yourself for who knows how long.

Trust me you don’t know what it is like to live ‘one-fucking-day-at-a-time’.

Every morning I try to wake up and praise God that I am alive and that I have one more day to share with my mother, with my family, with my friends.

It takes everything I have in my power to realize how small and insignificant I am, how little control I have over most situations; but at the same time how blessed I am to be a player in such a beautiful thing.

Through out this ordeal I have been reflecting a lot, asking God for guidance and peace and strength.

It’s a situation I thought I would never have to face, who am I kidding it’s a situation I pretended wasn’t real.

In most cases children outlive their parents; common knowledge, the way of logic.

She’s only 45. It stings. I guess it always does.

Prayers are graciously appreciated, kind words, wishes - whatever your flavor.

Slow down and appreciate life. Love as much as possible. Reflect personally or spiritually.

For the sake of all that is good just open your heart and embrace the goodness in life before the darkness can drain your spirit.

The following links are just some charities worth supporting. Most have offered, if nothing else, love and support.

American Cancer Society

Livestrong Foundation

Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong.
Move along, move along like I know you do.
And even when your hope is gone.
Move along, move along just to make it through - All American Rejects

So tired...

2006-02-10T04:04:00.000-05:00

This two job thing is kicking my butt.

No time to sleep, hardly time to eat, no time to think.

It seems though that I have managed to organize my personal life (living space, etc) and the organization of my professional life is almost complete as well.

The weekends should be fun, starts tomorrow after work, going to sit with my bottle of Asti and watch tv and relax with some friends.

Then going to the Improve on Saturday (Monique.)

In the meantime, I'll get some rest.

While I wait, a brief update

2006-02-04T05:51:00.000-05:00

I guess after such a long vacation from my cyber-home a short update is in order:

I am still working retail, managing a dependable staff and serving one small fraction of society.

I have since, however, added in a second part-time (read mindless) job working as an employee at a popular gas station.

Lots of drama ensues.

It seems my decision to choose employment in one of the roughest neighborhoods has led to an interesting experience to say the least.

I work about 25-30 extra hours a week, a grand total of nearly 70 per week; Not complaining, simply explaining.

This extra income will serve as the start up cash I will use to begin a small pro-photographer gig.

Not looking to become uber-succesful in this endeavor quite yet, but we have to start somewhere.

In my spare time I have taken on various other projects:

continuing the search for a meaningful career
spending what little time I do have with friends and family
finding fresh new musical talent wherever it presents itself

...and that my dear friends is where I have been and what I have been up to.

So I wait in eager anticipation...

For An-e and Beth to show up tomorrow (later today)
For an e-mail either confirming my worst fears (retail forever) or my best hopes (a new fulfilling career)
For sleep to overcome me (damn you insomnia)

No we're never gonna to survive unless, we are a little crazy - Seal

Finally, I'm Back

2006-02-03T19:08:00.000-05:00

After a long and tortuous hiatus, working and reworking the template files for iblog, I have finally decided to give up on the less than adequate application and switch over to something more reliable.

Yup, I bit the bullet; I am now a registered member of Typepad.

So far so good!

Page customization was simple, publishing is quick and effortless, service is more than reliable.

This now leaves me in quite a pickle, however.

My long running excuse for not publishing more frequently was the idiosyncrasies attached to updating page design in iblog.

Well there goes that excuse.

I'm sure you will soon realize the real reason, the complete lack of anything interesting.

Welcome back for the next installments of the ‘My Joke Called Life.’

'Watch' and 'See' if I Tip You

2005-08-30T18:00:00.000-04:00

That's it, I quit.

As if enough of my rights aren't being ripped out of my 'american' hands, increasingly it seems restaurants, hotels and other service industries are collaborating to take away the one last position of power we 'americans' hold over those who provide service: the tip.

The tip (to improve performance) is becoming an endangered species, being replaced by 'automatic gratuity',’ service charges' and 'resort fees.'

The tipping point: Will service charges replace voluntary gratuities?
By Laura Bly, USA TODAY
Starting next week, diners who snag a coveted table at celebrity chef Thomas Keller's pricey Manhattan restaurant, Per Se, won't need to worry about calculating a gratuity as they linger over a Valrhona chocolate brownie or glass of vintage port more...

Before your imaginative, cynical minds lead you to the assumption that I am some cheap bastard, afraid of having to pay anything extra for a good meal, nice atmosphere and clean sheets, I want you to understand that I am a good tipper. -- I am.

Now I digress, the point of this senseless rambling is not to impress upon the fact that I am a much better tipper than you; I am up in arms for a whole different reason.

Many see the 'automatic gratuity' as the solution to supplementing the income of the chronically low paid service worker.

Who are they kidding?

The chances of Marcy in housekeeping reaping the benefits of the 'automatic gratuity' are about as good as her getting that fifteen minute break they promised her two years ago.

Service fees will no doubt go back to the overhead costs of the building, utilities, amenities and such, leaving the embittered, low-paid service worker still doing the job they once were compensated (extra) for doing well.

What does that leave me: lousy service or the option to tip extra.

I don't like those options much.

Let me tip what I Think is appropriate and I'll do that at my discretion.

This is an open call for everyone to express your displeasure with any establishment moving towards this violation of 'basic human rights' and for any one working in the service industry, please a public outcry is in order (trust me, no one is into tipping twice!

My Own Personal Tipping Strategy

Just as a gentle suggestion, I’ll go even as far as describing my tipping strategy for the common restaurant experience.

There are certain guidelines:

1. Prepare to spend $10 minimum when you walk into any restaurant. This covers a tip on any deserts or small item orders (fruit cup, salad etc.) Avg. 40-50% tip.

2. After eating a proper meal: Mediocre service at min. 15% tip. / Good Service 20-25% tip.

3. Under no circumstance (short of first hand knowledge of food tampering) should you tip less than 10%. Use alternate means to show your dissatisfaction. “Excuse me may I speak (kindly) with the manager?”

4. (This one is important ! ) If your server has been so kind to forget to add an item or perhaps left off the extra charge for that house salad, pay no less than what the total would have been and in most cases add 10-15% to that.

A little humor to start your day

2005-08-26T18:00:00.000-04:00

On my way to work when I snapped this one.

I knew there was something weird about that mark on G W’s forearm

That's what I'm talking about

2005-05-23T18:00:00.000-04:00

We'll it is official.

I have graced the earth with my presence for 24 years, and some odd hours, and boy did I enjoy the annual celebration. Saturday night at the Matrix proved to be an entertaining time, although the atmosphere was lacking a bit (it seems in Pittsburgh your options are bar first, club second.)

But in any case, I spent the good half of three hours dancing my crazy head off. I got to spend the evening with my best friends and a few gorgeous guys, what else can you ask for. Prime example of why I can't leave Pittsburgh (not so much the guys.)

I only wish An-e was able to join us, but I am consoled by the fact that she will be staying here next weekend and hopefully we will again hit the fabulous Pittsburgh club circuit.

This week also brings the long-awaited return of Ms. Sarah McLachlan, who will no doubt present an evening of awe-inspiring music and positive energy. It seems like Jo an I have been waiting for this for years and I can't believe its almost here.

I digress. I must also make note of the cool cards I received this year: An-e and Amanda both made hand-made cards, god I love those guys.

Naomi and Sandy nailed my sense of humor.

My mom's card damn near made me cry, and get this, my sister's card floored
me.

I've been dealing lately with this whole 'where am I, where am I going thing,' right.

Well, my sister clipped my horoscope from the Post Gazette and attached it to the inside of my card. 'Reach for the stars. You are on a roll, with many opportunities to make a permanent mark in the business world…' Can you believe that sometimes, even she can touch my heart.

It is the small details, the tiny moments of consideration that make life most worthwhile.

You have to take time to appreciate the small things: the tiny voice on the other end of the phone line saying happy birthday; the card from a part-timer who cares more about the advancement of your career than what happens to her when you leave; the phone call from a person you find you call a lot less than you should; I love you Janet.

All in all I must say this was one of the years that will stick with me till the end.

You know sometimes when you hit the rock, it just takes a few steps back to see that its not really in the way but simply a seat to rest upon along the journey.

Another year older, another year gone; But definitely time well spent.

Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections
You’ve seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land
You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe in
You’re all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe - Sarah McLachlan

When do you give ?

2005-05-21T18:00:00.000-04:00

It seems the powers that be are particularly amused by trying the human spirit.

As I type, Mandy and Christy are dealing with two different vehicle problems and a (hopefully patient) tow truck driver.

And somewhere else, a young lady is dealing with the fact that doctors have decided not to operate on her mother, 48, who has been diagnosed with a cancer that has spread through her body with reckless disregard.

I’d like to be seated at the table when the gods decide who the lucky contestant will be, this go round.

In the past few weeks I have been pretty reflective and have taken an introspective look at what I have and want from life.

Recently, a chihuahua has joined the family and though it seems now, a weird segue, I'm painfully reminded that I wasn't home when my first dog died.

Didn't live in the area when the second was put down either‚ victim of a tumor.

Forget regret or life is yours to miss; Can't change the past; But I can damn sure sculpt the future.

So I bid farewell any notion of relocation in the near future; Good bye Harrisburg, Farewell Family Video.

I'll stay right here, for the time being. Com'on ye mighty powers give me your best shot. At least here I have wonderful friends and family to keep me grounded and sane.

If only I can do the same for them. An-e please hurry, Western PA needs you.

I went skydiving I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And I loved deeper, And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'
And he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin' - Tim McGraw

What the hell else have ya got goin' on

2005-05-17T18:00:00.001-04:00

I pulled into the far right lane, maneuvering through three lanes of traffic to park abruptly on the side of the busy Oakland street; was this really worth the effort ?

The cardboard sign, in big black letters, said 'traveling and hungry'.

As she graciously accepted the two crumpled one dollar bills I had in my wallet, I saw her size me up.

I did the same.

Clean shaven, neatly fastened tie, crisp pants, shiny shoes; a sharp contrast to her torn jeans, disheveled hair and rubber wrist bands.

"What's your deal ?" I said matter-of-factly.

"I'm just traveling" she said with a slight pause and a confident smile. "and hungry."

"Gathered that much from the sign," I awkwardly joked. "Where ya coming from ?"

"Wisconsin."

"Where to ?"

"Next stop is Chicago, it's the next big city" she said. "I'm done going east, I'm on my way back west."

"Why?" I asked as I leaned back against the telephone pole.

"I wanted to travel," she said with authority. "I'm young, and I wanted to have fun."

I smiled and glanced over at the brown tattered dog, her faithful companion.

"He goes with you ?"

“Yup.”

“How do you get around?”

“Hitchhike mainly.” She nods towards the dog, “we used to hop trains but he’s getting too fat.”

I shift my weight from one foot to the other, a gesture of uncertainty.

“What do you do, once you get where your going ?”

“Meet people,” she shrugs. “Like, now I have been hanging out with some kids I met who live up the street. Just hanging out and having fun.”

I unclip the cell phone from my waist and check the time.

“So what’s YOUR deal ?” she returns with a mocking smile.

She’s confident and comfortable, foreign and obscure feelings I seem to be seeking desperately.

“I’ve just left my third job interview in as many weeks.” I said, the exhaustion clear in my voice.

“That sucks,” she offers with genuine concern.

“I mean, I’m working,” I fidget under her carefree gaze. “ I just really wanna get out of retail and I can’t”

I look into her eyes, into what she’s thinking. Before she can respond, I echo her concern. “It sucks.”

She sits down in the grass and the dog nuzzels her ear. She shrugs, “Go traveling.”

I gather myself, thank her for her time, wish her luck, and think quietly to myself, “who knows, I just might.”

The long-awaited, highly-anticipated, eargerly-desired return...

2004-12-17T18:00:00.000-05:00

...of ‘My Joke Called Life.’

And so begins another journey into infinite boredom.

Join me in the passenger’s seat as I lead you through the idiosyncrasies I call my entertaining life and the minor distractions along the way.

I’ll begin this trip providing the same empty promises I have offered every time: I will update more often, it will be entertaining and enlightening as I share my thoughtless rambles and state-of-the-world news briefs, and I will seek to provide the customer with an experience that exceeds their expectations.

Ok, the last is a some gentle mind washing c/o the finest retail establishment (here-to and forever after, simply known as The Man) which I am sure will play a role in many of my ramblings. Due to the chance outcome of outright naming The Man (see Michael Hanscom’s 15 Minutes of fame .)

I will make a very conscious effort to avoid all libelous and third party identifiers which could ultimately lead to my early resignation.

Back to the matter at hand, and the sole reason behind this insidious self promotion; me.

What have I been up to, where have I been and what’s hip and happening in my life ? (love my mediocre journalistic style ?)

Well, I am glad that you are asking.

Previously on ‘My Joke Called Life:’

Since December 2003: Graduated with a B.A. in Communication Studies; working retail full-time for the Man, managing a small store outside the big city; living back at home with the ‘rents saving whatever cash I can gather together and other than that looking for that enlightening and fulling career which will carry away my heart. (insert here - desperate plea for the heavens to open and drop and events planner position into my awaiting lap)

Enjoying spending my spare time with friends that are close; sadly missing the friends that I hold dear who are so far away.

Now as the scene begins we see the date 12/17/2004 and some things need addressed.

My absence has been long but not unexplainable. I have for a time been working on a new blog design and it is time to give credit where credit is due. A lot of factors have contributed to the new incarnation of ‘My Joke’. The color scheme, the overall layout and even the content were all very carefully conceptualized and implemented. I have battled with myself about whether to stick to purely newsworthy and political topics or to use this forum as an expression of my favorite pastime - self.

The end result is a mixture of both, as I am sure will delight all audiences (An-e it’s here at last, thank gosh almighty it’s here at last.)

The design is a collaborative effort of a lot of bloggers with whom I have grown very familiar but mostly the style is reminiscent of a blog I have been following faithfully for sometime: Eclecticism.

In the most innocent and sincere defense I will only say ‘imitation is the highest form of flattery’ I just hope my predecessors feel the same way.

As an end to what I consider my official greeting, I would like to extend an invite to all who happen to hop aboard this journey into infinite boredom: feel free to share any comments, feedback, criticisms. Your input is valuable.

Snoop around and find something interesting, a small distraction if you may, by way of the blogworthy and worth wandering links provided for your entertainment. Follow
what I’m reading or join me in experiencing great music, but most of all enjoy the ride while it lasts, God knows it’s a short one.

Cause I’m a train wreck, waiting to happen. Waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks - Sarah McLachlan