Opening Monologue (enter stage left)

Me: So yeah, like... I'm back. (stands in awkward silence)

How have you been...Oh, that's good to hear.

Yeah I was away a while. How long has it been? Wow, over two years, REALLY?

Seems I had some finding myself to do.

No really, don't laugh. I know it sounds cliché but one really can find them-self.

It's often not really where you expected, hell for that matter most times it's not somewhere you'd readily admit.

But I did, I found myself: eating way too much (@ 250 pounds); sleeping way too much (missed some pretty important things); not caring or paying attention to my career (lost a good job in the process); falling out of touch with friends (some who's names I can't even recall.)

I found a dark place: a lot of hate, a lot of grief, a lot of pain—very little worth fighting for.

I found myself content in going through the motions, sometimes not even putting in that much effort.

Living with my father, missing my mother, hating my life and not caring to change any of the above.

Somewhere in there (it is all really a blur) I hit a wall–hit rock bottom–choose your metaphor, I found myself really jacked up and needing an out.

Sounds all very romantic, huh ?

I found God on the corner of 1st and Amistad, Where the West was all but won. All alone, smoking his last cigarette. I said, "Where've you been?" He said, "Ask anything." - The Fray

Me: Pretty scary actually. I did manage to make it through; Weird empty feeling though, know what I mean ?

I started that MBA program, now I'm pretty close to finishing. It’s funny because the classes—annoying, inconvenient, exhausting– offered enough of a distraction to never really buy-in to how bad things really were.

The lost-job thing, kinda embarrassing but you know, it is what it is—chalk it up to life experience.

Turns out I wasn't unemployed that long; Found a new job pretty quickly.

It pays pretty well and I actually met some folks who have played a big part in helping bring me 'round. During the first couple days of training, I met this beautiful young lady who despite circumstance, seemed to perpetuate this positivity.

I'm not even sure she understands the affect she has had on me. It's funny how you can change a person by just how you present yourself — One of the many lessons I've learned along the way.

Don't breathe too deep. Don't think all day. Dive into work. Drive the other way. That drip of hurt. That pint of shame. Goes away. Just play the game....

Me: Well anyway, as I am making this gradual climb towards a return to the ranks of the living another bombshell rocks the very fragile ground I'm walking on.

When my best friends mother dies it's all way too surreal.

Since my mother passed I'd been to a couple funerals. I mean I'd seen some folks off, but it really was way too soon to lose another mother.

She'd been a huge part of my life, welcomed me into her fold, loved me unconditionally. It all seemed way to unfair.

The biggest injustice of all though, was how unprepared I was to offer the support and validation that my friend would need. I'd just begun to understand how the death of my mother had placed me in such a disastrous place, what in the world could I offer her.

I had no words of wisdom, I had no magic fix. "just try not to kill yourself" is not the most productive advice one can give.

I sought hard to find something—something to give—something that said “I know, I feel, I'm sorry, I'm here." And, in the end I realized all I needed, all I had to do, was say those things.

You see up to that point, I'd been working on finding that thing that used to fuel me, that thing that lit me on fire, that thing that gave me hope and incensed my passion.

What was I missing, what had I lost, what did I want – Love.

Not any old love, but matter-of-factly, God's pure Love, God’s perfect Love.

Love that allows you to touch another human being, comfort their pain, share in their delight.

Love that defines humans, and proves without a doubt the absolute existence of something much higher, much mightier, much more beautiful than any earthly thing.

An unconditional Love that transcends suffering, that outlasts injustice, that destroys hopelessness.

Me: Wow, I know right! But, that is just what I wanted.

I started hungering for that Love, I started actively trying to express that Love. I aimed to fill every crack and crevice in my disheveled life with God's Love.

What I began to see was change all around me. I started observing how others reacted to situations, how they found solace in Love, how they perpetuated Love. (pause for effect)

And so, my friend began her coping process. She has really taught me the resilience of the human spirit.

I've learned how simple human interaction (like the bond between father and daughter) can break through despair. How the welcoming of a new baby, the beauty of untainted joy, how that innocent childish giggle can banish loneliness.

I've learned that God's Love conquers all.

I've never been a fan of organized religion, Catholicism may be to blame, but I don't want to point fingers.

What I know though, was that I needed to find a place where God's Love was present—where it was doing things, where it was making changes.

I was blessed with a growing spiritual relationship with a very close friend, we started going to church. Mostly Christian churches, where God's Love was present in song and worship; in message and fellowship.

Through Christ, friendship, family and Love I've challenged myself on a path of rehabilitation.

It's definitely been a road to recovery. I'm not sure what I've been recovering from, whatever the ailment it seems I've got my hearing back, my sights kind of improved as well.

I can see again the joy in life, I can hear the happiness in conversation, I can feel the Love all around me.

...What was it about that night, Connection - In an isolating age. For once the shadows gave way to light. For once I didn't disengage! - What You Own, RENT

Me: So yeah... I'm back.

It has been a while and I'm really sorry I haven't kept in touch. Ya know, that is something I am working on. I think I'll even send Christmas cards this year; that whole perpetuating God's Love thing.

I'm feeling pretty good too!

I've started back to the gym. Yea, really, I've already lost twenty pounds.

I do promise to write more, and definitely photograph more.

I will not lose one more moment of life, or misplace one more fragment of the wonderful memories.

Oh don't get me wrong, it's all definitely still a work in progress; kinda like a coloring book page, just a bit outside of the lines.

But you know what, the colors sure do seem a lot brighter these days!

Ya know it is good to be back!

It's amazing where I'm standing. There's a lot that we can give. This is ours just for a moment. There's a lot that we can give. - Life
Is Beautiful, Vega 4